The Escargot Cafe

Agent Cody Banks vs Suzie Gold

2004 is set to be ex-S Clubber-tastic filmswise, with both Hannah and Rachel making appearances in films. First up is Hannah, who's starring as Emily in Agent Cody Banks 2:Destination London, opposite Frankie Muniz out of Malcolm in the Middle. As far as I know, the film seems to be a sort of James Bond for kids deal, and my inner child is actually rather excited about it. Hannah was always the best actress in S Club 7 (although really, that's not saying much), and she was the second best looking, so it should be pretty good. It also includes her doing ninja!



Then there's Rachel in Suzie Gold (which I heard about ages ago, and though would never actually surface). She's not got as big a role as Hannah has - IMDB lists her as "Girl from M5". (M5 being a pop group, although probably not Maroon 5 with an abbreviated name). You all know (if you've been paying close attention) that I've been going off Rachel for quite some time. However, CD:UK had a clip of Suzie Gold today, and as far as I can tell, Rachel is just as rubbish at acting as ever, but she was looking lovelier than I'd remembered, so it's all good.

To summarise: I'm going to revert back to being as sad as I was back in the day when S Club were still around, and watch both films, and probably enjoy them both too. Hurrah!

Another dynamic CD:UK

Why does CD:UK feel the need to have "moving" performances? Last week we had Alex Parks being dragged back and forth on a train track, today we witnessed Atomic Kitten spinning on a circular platform. I suppose CD:UK bosses are trying to make the performances more interesting, but if that's the case, they're failing miserably - they just look stupid, because the performers are so obviously uneasy. If a performance is interesting, it does't need extra "gimmicks" like this.

In other vaguely related news - Atomic Kitten's insistance that they'll get back together after a year is scaring me. It would be so typical if the one band that does get back together is Atomic Kitten!

This is SICK. Sick and WRONG.

Someone found my blog by searching for "Cheryl Tweedy should die". What a sick and twisted individual! I'm horrified.

Where's the (Hanson) love?

Surprisingly enough, it's right here. When Hanson released MMMBop, I was a huge fan. How could I not be? Middle Of Nowhere was a brilliant album, and MMMBop itself was nothing short of a masterpiece. I loved Snowed In too; I play it every Christmas.

But then Hanson disappeared, and I barely thought of them again. I occassionally revisited Middle Of Nowhere and reminisced, but I never expected them to release anything that I'd want to buy ever again.

Now, things are different! I think I may have just rediscovered Hanson. Someone on Devoted posted a link to their website, and my love was suddenly rekindled. For the last half and hour our so, I've been listening to clips from their forthcoming album Underneath, and I'm hooked! Okay, so the songs are hardly revolutionary, but they're catchy acoustic pop-rock songs, and I really like them. 'Hey' in particular is very good indeed.

Oh, and they've all cut their hair now and look much better for it, apart from Isaac, who looks as terrible as ever.

I'm off to download songs off their second album, This Time Around, now. Hurrah!

Oops!

I just realised I still had Peter Andre on my Z List from before I decided he was rather ace. He's been replaced by the definitely unmighty Samnmark, so that's alright then.

How exciting!!

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you - this post is about something so exciting it deserves two exclamation marks.

I have just received an e-mail from Girls Aloud (although, obviously not from the Girls themselves) and they say two things:

1. The second album is coming along very well AND the almighty Brian Higgins is working on it!
2. They're planning on doing some gigs soon!

This is very, very ace news indeed, as recently I've been missing the Aloud a bit. I am so seeing them in concert, it will rule!

So hurrah for The Aloud being back - it sort of makes up for the abominations that are Samnmark.

Is this the worst album ever to be released?



Well, frankly I will never know, because I don't plan on ever listening to it, unless I really want to confirm my suspicions. But it probably is. Out of fourteen songs, fourteen songs are ballads. Fourteen! So it's probably like Westlife, but sung by one fat lady rather than five not-very-slim men, but even worse. Cathy Dennis has written some tracks on it, but I'm willing to bet a lot of money that her songs are more 'Anything Is Possible' than 'Toxic', i.e. shit.

Yet bizarrely, enough people are buying this album to make it no.3 in the midweeks? Why? Maybe they're putting themselves through a form of torture because their best friend has challenged them to, much like Claire in The Indie Life. Still, it's all rather baffling.

EDIT: I've just, in the name of research, listened to some clips of the album over at Michelle's official site, and I can confirm that unless the other songs are really stupendously amazing, 'The Meaning Of Love' is indeed the worst album to be released, ever.

The Brits

Things that were good: nothing
Things that were bad: everything

So, that's the Brits over for another year. Hurrah.

So, it's the Brits tonight.

This should be such a huge exciting event, but because most of the nominations are complete crap, it won't be. There aren't even any interesting performances to look forward to!

The only category I care about is Best Male. I would love for Will Young to win this, but Bedingfool is going to give him a run for his money, I know. The voting will have been very close between them, so either could win. Personally, I feel Will has achieved far more than Bedders this year. He's had a million selling album and a no.1 single - what's Bedingfiend had? A couple of singles that reasonably well (and one that didn't), plus a re-released album. Will's managed to completely change lots of critics' minds, and I think he deserves recognition for that.

The Brits are a load of bollocks anyway - always have been - so I shouldn't care, but it would be nice for the industry to recognise Will's achievements for once.

Why is no-one buying Cry?

People are stupid. FACT. They go out and buy Who's David, which doesn't even have a question mark, and they don't go out and buy Cry by the lovely Alex. The result of this is that Busted are at no.1 in the midweeks (quelle surprise) and Alex is at the very disappointing no.11.

So go and buy Cry, now! It only costs £1.99, and you get an ace new song.

Attention!



Buy Cry tomorrow! I suggest you go for the "mini" CD because it's cheaper and has a new b-side. Because if you don't buy Cry, Busted will be no.1, and we all know how much of a tragedy that will be. It would be nice if there was a decent no.1 this year, because so far, there haven't been any.

I don't *heart* Samnmark.

For a start, when you merge their names, you get an unpronouncable mess, unlike Samneric (from Lord of the Flies) or Handclaire. So that's a bit shit. Secondly - they're bloody everywhere! They're doing what Gareth did after Pop Idol - appearing on every single TV programme in Britain as many times as they can, in order to maximise their profiles. All this succeeds in doing is making everyone utterly sick of them. Well done, Samnmark!

And what's more, their song is really bloody dreadful. The video is even worse! And Sam's hair is foul.

Go away please, Samnmark. Enjoy your no.1 while it lasts, because it'll be the last one you get.

Who has stolen my taste? I want it back!

You may remember that I while ago I posted my disappointment about the fact that Peter Andre getting a record deal off the back of I'm a "Celebrity" - GMOOH! was inevitable. Like the fickle teenage girl I am, I have now decided that Peter Andre is rather good. Mysterious Girl is ace! And I've just downloaded Flava too, which I'd forgotten about until it was mentioned on TOTP last night, and that's not bad either. It's so deliciously 90s! I think Peter Andre has the same appeal as the Blazin' Squad, in that he is obviously rubbish and annoying, but is still somehow also rather good.

Best. Video. Ever!

This is a picture from Will Young's video for Your Game.



It's the acest video in the whole world, ever. It really is! It starts off with Will singing in a theatre and doing the hilarious thing where you fling the microphone stand to the side (does that make sense? I know what I mean anyway!). Then the curtain lifts up, and a huge gospel choir is singing the chorus. At this point I was thinking "Okay, just another performance video, but he's trying to make it funny with the mic stand" - but no! The set then changes, and continues to change, and dancers come on, and it's all a huge extragavant chunk of aceness. The sets behind him include a ferris wheel, and at one point a steam train goes past. There are also tons and tons of hilariously camp dancers like something out of a musical. Very Moulin Rouge. He jumps! He dances! He has lights on his jacket!

I suggest you head over to Devoted now and download it.

Crimety!

Tons of people are finding my blog after searching for the lyrics to Insania by Peter Andre. I have to say, they're not exactly the most difficult lyrics to remember! They go something like this:

Do do do do do
Do do do do do
Do do do do do
This is insania

Yes, I know I don't have the lyrics to the verses, but when you've got that chorus running through your head, who needs 'em?

Oooh, look!

I've changed my sidebar a bit. How nice.

I am rather worried.



This is the Blazin' Squad. They're rubbish, aren't they? That's what all normal people with anything resembling taste think.

But I've decided that I actually quite like them, because they are really rubbish. Sort of like how I liked Mark in Pop Idol because he was rubbish. I mean, they're all idiots, but in a hilarious way rather than an annoying way. But some of their songs are good. Not the rubbishy ones they came out with at first, but Flip Reverse was undeniably ace, and Here 4 One is quite catchy too. Their lyrics are hilaiously lame too - I *heart* the way Rocky Platinum B says "blingin'" three times in the first couple of lines.

Don't worry, I shall be seeking psychiatric help immediately.

You're just a hairy child.

Please, let us all take a moment to reflect on the genius of Simon Amstell. Thank you.

_{(If you were stupid enough to miss Popworld this morning, you've just missed one of the finest televisual treats of the year).}

Scissor Sisters - officially ace!

Their album arrived this morning and I love it! On first listen I was a bit unsure, but that's only because for the first listen I'm too busy reading the lyrics to really get into the music. But then I listened again and it rules! My favourite is Music Is The Victim because it's just so fun and is the sort of thing that you can't not dance and sing along to. Even if you don't know the words yet (it can only be a matter of time!). But I also love Return To Oz, which is a very poignant song abut a friend's addiction to crystal meth. It's great, because all the songs sit really well together, despite them all being very different.

I *heart* Snow Patrol!

Their single, Run, is very boring and Coldplay-ish, so I was all prepared to not like them very much at all, but I hadn't counted on them covering Crazy In Love by Beyoncé! Mr PJ has linked to it on his homepage, and it really is extraordinary! I'm utterly bored of the Beyoncé version (overkill will do that to a song) but this verson has reminded me why it's such an ace song. Hurrah for Snow Patrol!

EDIT: I have been listening to this song entirely too much. It's so adictive! Download it now.

Where does Britney go from here?

Toxic is arguably Britney's greatest song since the almighty ...Baby One More Time and hopefuly people will realise this and buy it in their droves. But what next?

I've had the album for a few weeks and I just can't get into it. Now, this may just be me, but I don't think it's anywhere near as good as Britney, which was fantastic and had lots of potential singles on it. I can't think of a single song off In The Zone that would be a good single. Mostly, the songs are more r'n'b/hip hop than the songs off Britney, and I don't think it works well at all. She could always go down the ballad route, but Shadow is far too cheesy for her current image (does anyone else hear hints of Girl In The Mirror in it?) and Everytime is so forgettable that I've actually forgotten how it goes.

So, what do you think? What's Britney's next step? Can she continue her success?

I have succumbed to the hype!

The Scissor Sisters' album is currently winging its way towards me, for I have just ordered it off Amazon. I downloaded three songs off it, but annoyingly they're loops. Still, Music Is The Victim sounds fucking ace - "I left my heart in San Francisco.... blah blah blah mother fucking disco"!

I hope it's as good as the ace sleeve suggests.



Hopefully my purchasing of the album is sufficiently early in their career for me not to be seen as bandwagon-jumping, but it's certaily a fine line.

Peter Andre: can a comeback be avoided?

We all know that Peter Andre entered I'm A "Celebrity" - GMOOH! with one aim in mind*, and that was to get a record deal. But can this be avoided? Anyone with the intelligence levels of a gnat (and upwards, of course) knows that no-one will like him, and he will fail miserably. Yet something tells me that some stupid record company will think that it might be a good idea to sign him.

It would be rather funny if he actually released 'Insania', but only to laugh at him rather than with him. Still, it saddens me that these rubbish people can get deals and release crap songs when they'll inevitably fail. Why do record industry people bother? There's too much crap in the charts, and hilarious though some of it might be, it stops ace pop groups from being given a chance.


_{*Two if you count shagging Jordan}

Janet makes a right tit of herself



(Animation stolen from someone who stole it off Popbitch)

Yes, you've all heard the story, I won't bother reporting it. I will say that I think the stunt itself was very, very lame (what people will do for publicity...), but the way they've been apologising is hilarious. "Wardrobe malfunction" indeed! What, did Justin not realise that when he ripped off the rip-offable patch covering Janet's boob that the patch would actually rip off?